Have you ever found yourself reacting much more strongly than you expected?
Perhaps someone made a comment that left you feeling deeply hurt, or a disagreement quickly turned into overwhelming anger. Afterwards, you may have wondered, Why did I react like that?
The first step is simply to become curious.
When you notice a strong emotional reaction, pause and ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
What do I notice in my body?
What happened just before I reacted?
Is my reaction about this present moment, or does it feel familiar?
Sometimes our reactions are connected to old emotional wounds rather than just what is happening today.
For example, if you grew up feeling that you had to be perfect to be accepted, criticism in adulthood may trigger feelings of not being good enough. Even if the current situation is relatively small, your nervous system may respond as though it is reliving those earlier experiences.
You might even notice a part of you that feels much younger, as though you've been transported back to childhood. This younger part still carries the hurt, fear or shame that wasn't fully processed at the time.
Anger is often one of the emotions that appears first. Although it can feel uncomfortable, anger usually has a protective purpose. It may be trying to shield you from deeper feelings such as hurt, rejection, fear or sadness.
Rather than judging yourself for becoming angry, try becoming curious instead.
Ask yourself:
What is my anger protecting me from?
What part of me feels threatened?
What does this younger part of me need right now?
These questions aren't about excusing our reactions. They are about understanding them.
The more you understand the root of your emotional responses, the more compassion you can develop for yourself. Instead of seeing yourself as someone who "overreacts", you begin to recognise that your reactions often make sense in light of your experiences.
Trauma psychologist Janina Fisher explains that when we become emotionally triggered, it can feel as though younger, wounded parts of ourselves take over. Rather than seeing these reactions as signs that something is wrong with us, she encourages us to view them with curiosity and compassion. When we understand that our reactions often come from parts of us that learned to survive difficult experiences, we can begin responding to ourselves with kindness instead of self-criticism.
Healing doesn't mean you'll never feel triggered again. It means learning to recognise when an old wound has been activated, responding with kindness rather than criticism, and gradually helping your nervous system realise that the past is no longer happening.
With awareness and compassion, it becomes possible to respond to life from your present self rather than from old wounds.
If you recognise yourself in this, you don’t have to figure it all out on your own. Therapy can offer a space to slow down, understand what may be underneath your reactions, and develop a more compassionate relationship with yourself.
If you’d like to explore whether therapy could support you, you can book a free 15-minute consultation with me online.
Further Reading
Fisher, J. (2021). Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma: A Workbook for Survivors and Therapists. PESI Publishing.
Fisher, J. (2017). Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation. Routledge.